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No…no… I didn’t forget his birthday. We had a celebration over the weekend with his friend hence why I posted an entry on his birthday.
My brother was born on the 14th of October 1992. I was 9 years old. I didn’t know nuts then, I still carried my stinky-poo pillow around, probably suckled on the pascifier still (abit old but yeah…). I still have images in my head about tip-toeing to have a glimpse through the window of the new-born nursery. The baby didn’t at all look like me, plus his head was small (to my Mom’s relief). The next time I saw him, Mom had brought him home and not long after that, she start screaming at us for not keeping the house clean during her absence.
“Those were the days when Mom still had the strength to chase us around with the ‘ting-kia’.”
I can still hold the many many memories I have of Yu Vern. I did spent a good…10-12 years sleeping next to him. Ever since he got promoted to sleep in the ‘boys’ room. He was great company. When he was younger and still mischevious, Mom would come in scolding while he was still sleeping (either because she think he didn’t study, didn’t do his homework, didn’t eat or did something wrong). He would quietly lay still and listen. After that he would cry. Aww.
I can remember being very angry at him. He shot his bb pellets at my blinds in my room not knowing the INDENTS that now seem riddled all over it like bullet holes! I was so pissed, I smashed his bb gun. Sigh… he tore a t-shirt I gave him after that. Brotherly squabbles. We never held a grudge.
I can remember whispering in his ears when he was younger, about 4-5 years old that I loved him. Well, I could do it then cause he was cute. You know? He was the baby ma… who didn’t love him then?
Everytime I scolded or sounded him, I would always feel bad after that. And everytime I felt sorry, I would always promise myself that I will donate any half of me that I could to save his life if he got into an accident. I felt as though that he was my legacy since he followed me so much, I could not disappoint.
“…..”
Anyway, even if I had regrets, I’d say, I have no regrets. Even if I said, I should’ve done something, I couldn’t. There’s nothing I could’ve done then. I only wished I told him I love him more. Luckily I did once… when we were walking home from either Mosin or the coffee shop. I can’t remember. But I did tell him, “Vern, you know I love you right?” He started to cringe and claim insanity after hearing those words… “Gay, u gay! *spat* *spat*”… 😀
“I must never forget. We must never forget.”
Alas, here comes a time when we have to believe that his sacrifice saved us all and I truly believe it did. There can be no denying it.
Happy Birthday to you Vern. Every day we live saved from here on, is your Birthday.
What I think we meant to say is (and by ‘we’, I mean…)
Mom, Dad, Me, Jie Jie, Ronnie, Annie, Zoe`, Yi Ching, Channelle, Sophira, Megan, Evonne, Julian, Sin Kuan, Phillip, Brian, Terrence, Jon Ong, Nigel(?)…
“I’m sure I missed someone… someone is missing”
… that we LOVE you and we MISS you dearly!
It was a lovely get together, just seeing this guys go about with their funny antics makes me feel like you were around. They all talk alike, act alike, are extremely close-knitted and they all remind me of you.
One day. One day Vern, we’ll all be reunited. Until then, keep the seat warm…
Sunday’s come and almost gone and I actually think that by sitting here – infront of my pc… that I’ll feel recharged enough to face the coming onslaught next week. It’s going to be a hectic 4 day week starting tomorrow with ample interviews with clients to scorch me a living hell. It’s the start of phase 2 of my project and I’m feeling the pain already.
But all is not lost. We’re having VP’s (in his memory) Birthday celebration by getting together with all his friends – approximately 25 of them for a feast at Satay Kajang in DU Uptown (ironically). It’s gonna be a big crowd. Everytime I see them I’d feel at least a 100 years old than I really am. These kid grow up so quickly nowadays, you can’t guess their 17 anymore.
The gathering starts at 7.00pm, not too long away from now.
We visited the columbrium after lunch earlier today. Mom bought some carnations (amongst some of the flowers which names I don’t know). Â We cleaned the site, wiping off some of the lizard skat (alot of skat) from the marble. We filled the water jar/vase and stole a mop that was lying in the corner and mopped. Dad was annoyed that the caretakers were doing a good job neglecting the site. After cleaning and arranging the flowers we prayed.
Sigh, such is life. We’re so filled with regret, it never goes away. The only way we ever can go on is to always remember that they are in a better place, by God’s side, feasting in His glory. But we can never fully understand. We have never tasted the air on the otherside, we struggle to believe that its there and then we wish that, if only, we could share a little bit more of this life together and worry about the afterlife in the next 50 years or so.
Anyway, there’s nothing to look back on except for sweet sweet memories. The first 17 years of his life were shared with the ups and downs together with the rest of us. To some degree, it was the best shared 17 years of my life.
P/s: Vern, I bet you don’t know the Major scales! Lousy~ 😛
Today was an inspired day for me. My friend Karen broke some interesting news to me via email. How interesting! Her message really made my day. Suddenly I’m inspired. I’ve been thinking about my lack of enthusiasm and lack of effort when it came to my guitar lesson. Today… THAT’S changed!
Surfed up some http://www.nextlevelguitar.com video lessons off youtube and I’ve been practicing scaling all over G Major. Sounded alright with a simple 4 chord progression. Music is really more fun when you get behind the science of it all. Just like cooking. I highly recommend viewing some of these 10 minute videos by David Taub.
Next!
I think I’ve been having a prolonged-semi-elongated lesson on faith. Life challenges often put you at crossroads and you almost always end up wondering if you deal with it on your own or leave it God. Much to my hesitation, I don’t like to think that God wants me to rely on him for everything. We’ll that’s how I think it works. But I’ve been hearing some different thoughts which kinda contradict this. It’s almost as if God (in his office), sends a to-do to you one day. He sits back, rolls up his sleeve and begins to watch intently what you make of it. He then sees you pick up the note, scribble something on it and send back to His office. So God opens the note and lo-and-behold, it says…
“I leave it to you. Thank you God.”
…and that’s my comedic take on the subject.
I wouldn’t have believed that it was THAT easy to spoil my day. Thanks alot.
Gonna make a quick short post. After dinner with my sister and Annie we decided to go for a foot massage… and I suffered in silence. *GRUNT* ..huff huff.. *GRUNTT*..huff huff…
But I feel really nice now. Good night world.
I’m stealing some lunch-time freedom to put up a new post. Inspiration can come from anywhere, especially if you have a sister who’s actively blogging and you just feel like copying her post.
Yu Vern will be 17 in about 10 days. It’s quite a relevation when you think about the ‘What Ifs’. I wonder what we’ll be doing if he were alive. Yes, not a single day goes by and the yearn of guilty and regret never ceases to haunt and pummel me to the tiny insignificant existence of life that I live today.
Went into Friendster and rummaged for old messages between us and this is what I got:
Posted: 06/26/2007 8:18 pm
Message: My God. the company event pic is so GAY
Posted: 06/26/2007 8:18 pm
Message:Â Foolish brother, You spoilt the bathroom lights. Cut Your bird..
Posted: 04/09/2006 11:30 pm
Subject: Gay Magnet
Message: u attract GAY guys LOL
Commentary: That’s SO like him. My retaliation would’ve been, “I don’t cam-whore like you do!”
Okay, sadly there aren’t any more in Friendster. Sigh, what Gold Nuggets these are. VP has a nickname Byrd-Meister. He likes to taunt ‘kukubird’ when we jostle and joke. He’s the Byrd-Meister because I made him king of the ‘Kukubirds’! Hahaha. Okay, I’m sure you guys don’t know what I’m talking about. But yeah, our relationship was full of jostling and joking, constantly fighting who is more gay, who should wash whose cup, who should make the maggi mee this time, contantly nagging him not to play computer so late, laughing at him when he get’s KO’d while playing Tekken 5 on the Playstation…
I miss him.
Minus One 